


A Supernatural Parody

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Case Fic, Crack Fic, Euphemisms, Gen, Humor, Satire, Script Fic, Season/Series 11, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 19:59:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6438214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do you watch Supernatural? Do you have a love-hate relationship with the show's writers? Are you fucking sick of Sam and Dean ganking demons and saying "get this" and pretending to be FBI agents? Have you ever wondered if the show is intentionally trying to queerbait the audience? Did your suspension of disbelief get up and die somewhere around season three? Do you wish they'd just get the Apocalypse over with already so this fucking show can be over? Do you watch Supernatural anyway? Then boy oh boy, do I have a fic for you.</p><p>This script-format case fic tells about a mysterious string of murders at a nondescript Midwestern high school and how Sam and Dean, with the help of a trench coat-wearing angel, conspire to stop the killer before they claim their next victim. Meanwhile, in Hell, Crowley struggles with the loss of Amara.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Supernatural Parody

**CAST OF CHARACTERS**

Douche 1 as DEAN  
Douche 2 as SAM  
Douche in a trench coat as CASTIEL  
Bearded Scottsman as CROWLEY  
Supernatural’s Supreme Leader and show runner as BOBBY  
Bearded hermit slash god of the Supernatural universe as CHUCK  
Token evil hot chick as AMARA

 

**SCENE ONE**

Enter a high school in the Midwestern United States. JOCK and CHEERLEADER are skipping class to make out under the bleachers by the football field. 

JOCK  
You’re so hot I can almost forgive your poor grasp of biology and basic mathematical concepts. 

CHEERLEADER  
Aw, thanks baby! But don’t get too attached, since I’m probably gonna die soon. 

JOCK  
Shit, why? 

Suddenly, a dark figure looms over the couple. They whirl around and scream in unison as the beast, cloaked in shadows, seizes CHEERLEADER and impales her on a blade. 

JOCK  
(eyes wide in fear)  
Ahhhh! Don’t hurt me, please! 

But the unseen beast has no mercy, and JOCK, too, is slayed. Upon the end of classes on that fateful day, the football team is dismayed to find the bodies of the victims splayed across the bleachers, their hearts carved open. Two football players evaluate the scene uneasily. 

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1  
Bro, are you alright?  
(shakes JOCK’s shoulder)  
Bro. This isn’t funny.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 2  
I think he’s dead, bro.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1  
Bro…  
(looks forlornly at his dead bro)

The SUPERNATURAL TITLE SCREEN is displayed before the screen cuts to black. 

BOBBY  
So is this a filler episode or a plot episode?

CHUCK  
I’d tell you, but isn’t finding out part of the fun?

 

**SCENE TWO**

Enter SAM and DEAN lounging around in the bunker, SAM reading amongst stacks of books and DEAN drinking a beer. 

SAM  
I’m sorry, Dean, but there isn’t anything in the lore about how to kill the Darkness. I don’t know if it can even be killed.

DEAN  
Are you saying we can’t just stroll into Hell and gank that sonuvabitch and be done with it?

SAM  
Yep.

DEAN  
Well, there goes my plan. 

SAM  
While we’re waiting for the Darkness to destroy all of civilization, I think I’ve got a case to work on. Get this--two kids were found stabbed to death just outside a high school yesterday, with no explanation or trace of a killer. 

DEAN  
‘Merica.

SAM  
Do you think we should check it out?

DEAN  
Sure, why not. 

SAM and DEAN hop into the Impala and drive off into the horizon, generic classic rock blaring. 

 

**SCENE THREE**

Enter Hell. In CROWLEY’s throne room, a DEMON UNDERLING hands a clipboard to CROWLEY, bearded Scottsman and Supreme Leader of Hell. CROWLEY squints at it for a moment, sighs heavily, and signs something before handing the clipboard back to DEMON UNDERLING.

CROWLEY  
This is hella boring. Tell me, demon underling, what, exactly, does this have to do with the plot of the show?

DEMON UNDERLING  
I don’t know, sir, I’m just a casual viewer. 

CROWLEY  
(amused)  
Huh. I didn’t know those existed. You know what? Fuck this shit, I’m going to see Amara. 

CROWLEY walks over to AMARA’s room. AMARA is listening to Hitler speeches on her laptop. 

AMARA  
You know, Hitler had some pretty good ideas. 

CROWLEY  
Oh sweetie. I love you more every day. Is this what it’s like to be a father? 

AMARA  
No. I don’t answer to you. I’m God’s sister. 

CROWLEY  
That makes no fuckin sense. 

AMARA  
You know what they say--they see me rollin… But anyway. I’m done with you and your stank-ass Kingdom of Hell; I’m gonna go experience the beauty of God’s creation before I wreak total havoc on it in a few episodes. 

AMARA flips CROWLEY off, sending him crashing into the wall, and strolls out of the room. The camera cuts back into AMARA’s room, where we see CROWLEY cowering in the corner, making a terrified face that will surely provide enough gif material to last the next few seasons. 

CHUCK  
Uh, Bobby? How many more times do I have to break the fourth wall?

BOBBY  
(from the bathroom)  
Shhh, I’m almost there. 

 

**SCENE FOUR**

SAM and DEAN arrive at the high school, wearing suits. SAM’s hair, the AUDIENCE immediately notices, has been done up nicely for the occasion. The brothers stroll over to the scene of the crime and flash their fake FBI badges at a POLICE OFFICER. 

DEAN  
So, as you can see, we’re both FBI agents. Tell us everything about what happened. 

POLICE OFFICER  
Sure. Two kids got shanked in the middle of the day. 

DEAN  
Damn shame. 

POLICE OFFICER  
Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

DEAN  
Mind if we interrogate all the witnesses and everyone who ever loved those two dead teenagers while we’re here?

POLICE OFFICER  
Nah man, go right ahead. 

Cut to a room in the high school, where SAM and DEAN are talking to the PRINCIPAL. 

DEAN  
All right, buddy. I’m gonna need you to be straight with me. 

AUDIENCE  
(spits out milk)

DEAN  
Do you know that those kids had any enemies? Anyone who might have wanted them dead?

PRINCIPAL  
Aside from me and every teacher in the school? No, not that I know of. 

SAM  
(exchanging looks with DEAN)  
Okay, we’re gonna need to--

PRINCIPAL  
Don’t worry, we all have alibis. Check the cameras. I was in the middle of a date with Rosie Palms in this very office while those kids were bleeding to death. 

DEAN  
(under his breath)  
Coincidence? I think not. 

SAM  
On that note, have you been noticing anything strange happening around here lately? Flickering lights, cold spots, sulfurous odors…

PRINCIPAL  
I don’t know what your deal is, Fabio, but this is a school, not a corny haunted house. 

SAM  
So no to the sulfur thing?

PRINCIPAL  
(considers it)  
Okay, maybe a little, but I think it was just burnt lasagna. 

SAM  
Putting that down as a ‘maybe’. 

SAM and DEAN leave the school and hop back into the Impala. 

DEAN  
Shame about that cheerleader chick. She looked hot in the pictures. 

SAM  
Dean, I know. You’re very heterosexual. You can stop now. 

 

**SCENE FIVE**

SAM and DEAN enter a morgue where the bodies of the victims are being stored. With the help of their trusty FBI badges, they somehow gain unlimited, unsupervised access to the bodies and start poking around. 

SAM  
I don’t know, it looks like an ordinary stabbing death to me. 

DEAN  
Dammit Sammy, you useless Fabio-lookin-ass moose. I wish Cas was here.

CASTIEL appears suddenly, spooking DEAN.

DEAN  
Good grief, Cas, get outta my ass!

CASTIEL  
That’s not what you said last night.

SAM  
Oh shit!  
(high fives CASTIEL)

CASTIEL bends over the bodies and begins sniffing them, obviously creeping out DEAN.

CASTIEL  
These two were clearly killed by a demon. There is a...distinct scent of sulfur in their wounds.

DEAN  
You sure it’s not just burnt lasagna? 

CASTIEL  
Dean, I am a multidimensional wave of celestial intent. If you do not trust my judgment, I will not hesitate to thrust you back into perdition--for good this time. 

DEAN gives him an accusatory look. CASTIEL stares back. They continue glowering at each other for what seems like, at least to the AUDIENCE, several tension-filled, gif-worthy minutes. 

BOBBY  
Okay, that’s enough! Moving on!

SAM  
(coughing)  
Anyway. What I’m wondering is, why would a demon do this? Is this violence for its own sake, or did the demon have a motive? A deal, maybe?  
(begins pacing, running a hand through his hair)  
Maybe those kids did have enemies. Or an enemy. Someone who hated them enough to sell their soul for their deaths. 

DEAN  
Dammit if I haven’t thought about doing that a few times. 

CASTIEL  
May I leave you two now? I have better things to do than hang around with you incompetent humans and help solve murder mysteries. Angelic things. 

DEAN  
I’d sell my soul for your death in a heartbeat.

CASTIEL glowers at DEAN one more time, then disappears. 

DEAN  
Really puts the ‘ass’ in ‘Cas’, doesn’t he?

CASTIEL  
(reappearing suddenly)  
You really put the ‘emotionally-stunted man-child’ in ‘Dean’, don’t you?

CASTIEL disappears once again.

DEAN  
Motherfucker always has to have the last word.

 

**SCENE SIX**

CROWLEY is in his throne room, surrounded by various demon underlings in their very white, male meatsuits. He looks like he is about to speak, until BOBBY has a realization. 

BOBBY  
Wow, this show is really fuckin white. And male. We gotta switch things up a bit.

ATTRACTIVE BLACK FEMALE walks into Hell and approaches CROWLEY. BOBBY smiles, knowing he has just introduced a soon-to-be fan-favorite character.

ATTRACTIVE BLACK FEMALE  
Hello, Crowley, I’m--  
(dies)

BOBBY  
Shit, I should’ve known that wasn’t gonna work. 

 

**SCENE SEVEN**

The next day, SAM and DEAN are moping around in a motel room when SAM gets a disturbing call. 

SAM  
(putting away cellphone)  
Dean, there’s been another killing. Same high school, same time of day, same gouged-out hearts and blade marks.

DEAN  
Damn.  
(sips beer)

SAM  
So are you coming, or what?

DEAN  
Hell yeah. I’d sooner put on a pair of lacy pink panties than pass up on this case. 

SAM and DEAN soon pull up to the high school, where they are greeted by the same POLICE OFFICER they met the day previous. 

POLICE OFFICER  
It’s bad. Three boys this time. We found them in the woods just outside the school. 

POLICE OFFICER leads them to the scene of the crime, where several other investigators are observing and taking notes. 

DEAN  
Smells like pot. 

POLICE OFFICER  
Yeah, the three of them were pretty lit up when they got skewered. 

SAM  
Officer, do you have any idea who might’ve wanted to kill these kids? Anyone at the school?

At this, a TEACHER approaches them.

TEACHER  
Those boys weren’t well-liked. Bunch of potty-mouthed, slack-tastic stoners, all three of them. 

DEAN  
Why you gotta be bringing up my childhood like this.

TEACHER  
There was one kid...they were constantly picking on him. Mostly aside comments and threats, nothing too physical. But even that--they made his life hell. 

DEAN  
(looks on the verge of crying)

SAM  
What’s his name? We’ve got to talk to this boy. 

TEACHER  
Ulysses Gaylord. I’ll take you to him.

DEAN  
With a name like that...Jesus Christ. 

 

**SCENE EIGHT**

An irritated CROWLEY stalks around his throne room, surrounded by lowly demons.

CROWLEY  
You may be wondering where my lovely adolescent ward is, absent from the room I have so graciously given her as she is. So it turns out, Amara is going through a rebellious phase--that conniving, backstabbing bitch!--and has run away from home. And we all know what angsty teenagers are capable of. The fan fiction they write! The cities they destroy! I shudder to think. But, what does this have to do with you? Ah--you must find her. You must locate Amara, and then you must bring her back to me. 

DEMON UNDERLING  
Capture the Darkness, sir? I don’t know if--

CROWLEY  
Amara! Curse my sentimental heart, but she’s Amara, goddammit! And yes, you will capture Amara. Or you will be...demoted. 

DEMON UNDERLING  
Shit. Right on it, sir. 

CROWLEY  
So? The fuck you waiting for? Get the hell out of Hell! 

CROWLEY watches, scowling, as the demons leave the room. In the background, BOBBY is heard congratulating a sobbing CHUCK for finding another use for BOBBY’s favorite Hell-related pun. 

 

**SCENE NINE**

SAM and DEAN are back in the principal’s office, now interviewing a twitching, pimpled teenager named ULYSSES. 

DEAN  
Alright, might as well address the elephant in the room. Can I call you Gaylord?

ULYSSES  
No. 

DEAN  
C’mon fam, it’s not like Ulysses is much better, might as well let me. 

ULYSSES  
I will fucking sell my soul--again!--

SAM  
Wait. So you’ve sold your soul before?

ULYSSES  
Yeah. And now I also know the principal frequently choked his bishop in this very chair, now that I’m looking at these stains more closely. 

SAM  
Can you tell us how, precisely, you sold your soul?

ULYSSES  
I’ve been getting into Satanism a lot these past few months, and I came across some literature about demonology. How to summon a demon, how to make deals with one--call me crazy if you want, but I swear--

SAM  
No need. Continue. 

ULYSSES  
Eventually I decided that I was gonna summon a demon, so I downloaded Tor and ordered some feline bones--I told my mom it was a dildo just since, you know, she doesn’t question that kind of thing--

SAM  
Spare us, please. 

ULYSSES  
When the guy showed up--I could hardly believe it had worked, to be honest--I did end up making a deal. Said he’ll have to collect my soul in ten years, but I don’t care. I can’t wait to be closer to Lucifer.

SAM  
Okay you’re fucking crazy.

ULYSSES  
Of course, we had to kiss to seal the deal. But it was totally chill. He was hot; I’m gay; shit was nice.

DEAN  
(shudders involuntarily) 

SAM  
What was the deal?

ULYSSES  
(choosing words carefully)  
In exchange for my soul, I wanted him to eliminate a certain set of people.

SAM  
Like the jock and the cheerleader from yesterday? And the guys from today?

ULYSSES  
Yeah. I had a crush on the guy, and that cheerleader was preventing me from fulfilling my dreams of making sweet love to him. 

DEAN  
I’m pretty sure there was a bunch of other stuff preventing you guys from getting down, but whatever. 

SAM  
Okay, I get that, but killing the guy you had a crush on, too? 

ULYSSES  
Revenge for having terrible taste in lovers. 

DEAN  
(muttering)  
Someone drag me back to Hell, please. 

ULYSSES  
I’d be much obliged to do so in ten years. You’re not bad yourself, Agent Scully. 

DEAN  
(gags)

SAM  
What about the stoners? Was it because they bullied you?

ULYSSES  
No, it was more the ripping me off when I tried buying some of their grass. And then it was terrible, so. 

SAM  
So obviously they deserved to die.

ULYSSES  
Obviously.

DEAN  
Who’s next on the list?

ULYSSES  
Just one more. My math teacher, Mr. Smith.

SAM  
And why does your math teacher deserve to die?

ULYSSES  
(shrugging)  
I just hate math.

DEAN  
Honestly? Same. 

 

**SCENE TEN**

DEAN and SAM knock on the door to a math classroom. The door opens to reveal a bespectacled math teacher by the name of STEVE.

STEVE  
I assume you’re not here to learn about logarithms?

DEAN  
Me and Sammy, I mean--my partner, we’re from the FBI. And we wanna tell you something about the shit that went down today. 

STEVE  
I’m very busy. I hope you can make it quick.

SAM  
Mr. Smith, with all due respect, you’re gonna die.

STEVE  
Jesus fuckin Christ come right in.

DEAN  
Why are you still here after three kids just got killed, anyway?

STEVE  
I dunno, for the plot, maybe?

The three of them sit down around STEVE’s desk. 

STEVE  
I’m the next victim, right? Goddammit. I knew being such a stickler about rounding would come back to bite me in the ass. 

SAM  
We have good reason to believe that the killer’s gonna return tomorrow, probably at the same time if the pattern holds. But don’t worry, because we’re gonna protect you.

STEVE  
I feel so reassured. 

SAM  
But just in case said killer decides to show up early, we’re gonna wait with you 

DEAN  
Question is, where’d you like to have the inevitable demonic battle to the death? Here? At your house? In a stripclub? Actually, why don’t we just go to a stripclub, I haven’t had one of those scenes in awhile, you know, where the camera pans down the stripper pole to reveal my own smug mug grinning up at--

STEVE  
Here is fine. 

DEAN  
(on the brink of tears)  
I fucking hate math teachers. 

 

**SCENE ELEVEN**

SAM and DEAN are chilling in the math room alongside their new pal STEVE, having gathered all of their demon-killing weapons and doodads and poured a ring of salt around STEVE’s desk. The three of them have just finished eating dinner. DEAN, in particular, is surrounded by empty hamburger wrappers and beer bottles. 

DEAN  
I’m honestly starting to feel nostalgic about Hell, because at least it was less boring than this. 

DEAN pops open a bottle of whiskey and pours himself a generous two fingers.

STEVE  
Should you really be drinking that in a school?

DEAN  
I dunno, Stevie, should kids really be selling their souls to demons? Not really, but that hasn’t stopped them. 

SAM  
He’s right, you know.

DEAN  
Man, you two are a couple of wet socks. Where’s that fucker in a trench coat when you need him?

CASTIEL suddenly appears next to DEAN. 

DEAN  
Sweet! So do you respond to ‘fucker in a trench coat’ now?

CASTIEL  
I sorely hope you have a better task for me than last time. Sniffing corpses is not pleasant, you know, even for angels like myself.

STEVE  
Damn you’re an angel? Since you’re here, mind putting a good word in for me with the ol’ big G? I was only kidding about the atheism thing.

CASTIEL  
Steve, there’s a reason God made your eyes brown and it’s because you’re full of shit. 

DEAN  
Actually, Cas, I was just hoping you could entertain me until the demon shows up. 

CASTIEL  
(cocks head)  
In what manner?

DEAN  
Maybe you could tell us some good campfire stories. Like, I dunno, the time you fucked that reaper?

CASTIEL  
I have near-infinite wisdom and experiences spanning thousands of years, and that’s the story you want to hear? 

DEAN  
Yep.  
(sips whiskey, waggles eyebrows)

CASTIEL  
Good lord, you are truly one sad, desperate human, such an incredibly tragic specimen that the other, more angelic affairs I was attending to previously now seem trivial in comparison. I couldn’t abandon you now with a clean conscience. 

 

**SCENE TWELVE**

It is late at night in the math classroom, and DEAN has managed to become rather drunk despite SAM’s protests. DEAN is singing along to an AC/DC record with obnoxious vigor while SAM and STEVE, both painfully sober, sit in silence. 

STEVE  
(turning to SAM with a smile)  
That reaper story was pretty hot, though, wasn’t it?

SAM  
I will let that demon flay you until there’s nothing left but quivering organs and chunks of your frontal lobe strewn across the floor, I swear to God. 

The AC/DC record ends and DEAN is left to improvise his next song. 

DEAN  
(drunkenly singing)  
Cas. Castiel. Light of my life, fire of my loins. Cas-ti-el. 

CASTIEL  
I understand that reference, but I don’t understand why it’s applicable in this situation. 

DEAN  
Aw, c’mon, don’t be such a smug douchebag. You know what I mean. 

CASTIEL  
I also don’t understand why you’re comparing me to a tool used for vaginal irrigation. 

SAM  
(reaches for the whiskey)

Meanwhile, CHUCK and BOBBY are killing time on the set by getting high. 

CHUCK  
(incredibly stoned)  
Dude...wouldn’t it be funny if, like, God one day decided that plagiarism laws applied to the Bible? And then everyone who ever quoted the Bible without His divine permission had to pay a fine?

BOBBY  
(also incredibly stoned)  
Dude. We’d be so fucked.

 

**SCENE THIRTEEN**

It is now late morning, and all three men lie in their seats, stiff and snoring after a night of waiting in the math classroom. CASTIEL is nowhere to be seen, having scooted the fuck out of there as soon as DEAN passed out. Suddenly, the door rattles, waking up STEVE.

STEVE  
(still dreaming)  
No, Elizabeth, that’s not how you graph a sinusoid!  
(blinking into awareness)  
Ah! Agents! Agents, help! Something’s knocking at the door!

SAM wakes up, hair still flawlessly smooth and shiny despite his night spent passed out on a desk.

SAM  
(blearily)  
Huh? Oh crap--Dean, wake up! The demon’s here!

DEAN  
(does not respond)

SAM  
Dean! Daisy Duke thinks you’re cute! 

DEAN  
(snaps upright, eyes wide)  
Daisy Duke? Damn--  
(suddenly realizing Sam’s ploy)  
Sammy, you smug sonuvabitch--

At that moment, the door bursts open and a black-eyed demon enters the room. SAM stands up, demon blade sliding out of his sleeve and into his grasp, and rushes to block the demon. The demon swipes at SAM, but SAM ducks out of the way just in time. 

DEMON 1  
I have orders from Hell, you know. 

SAM  
You’re not gonna kill Steve. He doesn’t deserve this. 

DEMON 1  
(shooting SAM a predatory smile)  
If you don’t get out of my way, I will be forced to kill you too. 

At this, SAM fucking drop-kicks the demon, sending him flying right into the demon trap they drew the night before. Grinning, DEAN stalks over to the trap, demon blade in hand. DEAN holds up the knife, prepared to stab the demon, but SAM stops him. 

SAM  
Wait, aren’t we supposed to, like, exorcise the demon, not just kill the demon and the host in one go? Remember season one?

BOBBY  
Fuck-- 

DEAN  
No, because...  
(looks around wildly)  
Reasons!

DEAN winks at the camera, then stabs DEMON 1. The demon’s body flickers, then dies, sinking to the floor. SAM kicks the body to the corner of the room and high-fives DEAN.

DEAN  
Looks like we’re done here. Good work, fam.

STEVE  
(pointing at door)  
Then what’s that?

SAM and DEAN turn to the door just in time to see another two demons sprint into the room, both armed with blood-crusted pickaxes. The brothers launch into a brutal pickaxes-versus-fists fight with the demons, sickening punching sounds punctuating every blow. After about fifteen seconds, one of the demons plants a well-deserved kick right in DEAN’s nuts, and he crumples to the floor, groaning. The demon looks about to deliver a killing blow, but SAM stabs him with a demon blade just in time. SAM then kills the other demon. 

DEAN  
(makes a strangled noise)

STEVE  
(is quietly grading papers at his desk, since he can’t really help the fight much)

The window on the opposite end of the room shatters as a demon jumps through it, eyes black and blade swinging. SAM thrusts forward with his demon blade and manages to gank the sonuvabitch in the neck, but not before another two demons jump through the gaping window. 

SAM  
Dean, get off your ass and help me! I can’t fight all these demons myself!

DEAN  
(groans, is generally useless)

SAM  
(sighs, stabs a demon)

Luckily, DEAN makes it to his feet just as another demon runs through the door. DEAN stabs the demon and sends him flying into a bookshelf, which crashes to the ground and crushes yet another demon under its weight. 

DEAN  
Looks like these demons are just gonna keep coming until Steve is dead. Maybe we should just let ‘em kill the poor sonuvabitch.

SAM  
I don’t care if you hate math teachers, Steve is my bro now and he doesn’t deserve to die like this.

Suddenly, DEAN freezes and grins.

DEAN  
Wait--I have an idea!

DEAN pulls out his cellphone and calls CROWLEY.

DEAN  
Hey Crowley, it’s cha boy Dean Winchester!

CROWLEY  
(voice coming through the phone)  
Dean Winchester?  
(beat)  
Well, I’ll be damned if it isn’t the squirrel himself! I thought you’d never call!

DEAN  
Hey--yeah, about that. Me and Sammy, here, we’re in a bit of a pickle.  
(slices a demon’s throat open with demon blade)  
We’re tryna save a victim of one of your little demon deals, here, and it’s not working because more demons keep showing up to kill him. So, ya know, mind calling off the minions?

CROWLEY  
(laughing)  
Ha! No. Demon deals are final, and you know that as well as anyone, Mr. Winchester. 

DEAN  
How ‘bout this. You call off the demons and spare Steve, and later, you and I take the town. Just like back in the day?  
(whistles as SAM fucking punts a demon through the window)

CROWLEY  
You’re not a demon again, are you?

DEAN  
No. 

CROWLEY  
Then I’m not interested. 

DEAN  
C’mon, man! What about our ‘bromance’?

SAM  
(makes a face)

CROWLEY  
Hmm.  
(beat)  
What the hell. I’m the King of Hell, I do what I want. And a night about town doesn’t sound half bad. Deal’s good--I take Ulysses’s soul in, say, twenty years instead of ten, and that Steve fellow lives. But why you care about an eleventh-grade math teacher is beyond me. 

SAM  
(shouting)  
He’s my bro, you asshat!

CROWLEY  
Oh, and about our little playdate--moose stays home. 

DEAN  
No argument there. 

CROWLEY  
(sighing)  
Ah, I’m glad you called. It has been a little lonely around Hell as of late, with Amara gone and all--

DEAN  
Hold the fuck up. Amara’s gone? 

CROWLEY  
Shit. Don’t tell anyone I said that. 

DEAN  
(covering phone)  
Sam, Crowley let Amara escape. 

SAM  
What!

DEAN  
(into phone)  
Don’t worry, Crowley, your secret is safe with me. I’mma bounce, since now I have a date to get ready for. 

CROWLEY  
Thanks…‘bro’. 

Suddenly, the dead demons strewn around the classroom evaporate into black smoke, which blows out of the window in a gust of wind. SAM and DEAN are left standing among pools of human and demon blood and the debris of an utterly destroyed math classroom.

STEVE  
You’re gonna help me clean up, right?

DEAN  
Fuck no. C’mon, Sammy. I wasn’t kidding about that date. 

SAM and DEAN stroll out of the room. Once they are both out of sight, STEVE collapses to the floor, limbs shaking, and immediately dies of a heart attack. 

 

**SCENE FOURTEEN**

SAM and DEAN are back in the bunker, SAM munching on some pansy-ass salad and DEAN eating a Very Manly bacon cheeseburger. 

SAM  
So I guess we gotta track down the Darkness, now that she’s been released into the world. 

DEAN  
But we still don’t know how to kill her. 

SAM  
It can’t be that hard, can it? You were pretty close before. 

DEAN swallows a mouthful of cheeseburger and suddenly scrunches his face up, flashing back to his last, fateful encounter with the Darkness. He and AMARA are standing in a field, gray smoke surrounding them. DEAN angles a special magical blade towards her heart, but something stops him.

AMARA  
I know you want me, Dean. I can feel desire radiating from you like capsaicin from a jalapeno. 

AMARA brushes a hand across her cleavage. 

AUDIENCE  
Hoe don’t do it--

The camera zooms in on said cleavage, providing the viewer a tit-illating close-up shot of AMARA’s boobs. 

AUDIENCE  
Oh my god. 

DEAN  
I must say, I find this very interesting. They say you’re God’s sister, that you have nearly equal power to Him, but your grandest demonstration of power so far has been to attempt to seduce a human—that lucky human being me, of course. Which is something basically anyone could do. Not trying to say that you’re lame, or anything, but it is all very interesting. 

DEAN and AMARA make out. DESTIEL SHIPPERS everywhere scream and pound their fists on their keyboards. Suddenly, DEAN’s flashback ends. 

DEAN  
Sammy, I...I wasn’t that close. 

SAM  
What do you mean? Talk to me, homie. 

DEAN  
I don’t think I can kill Amara. She has this...hold on me. It’s like…I feel some kind of dark attraction whenever I’m around her. 

SAM  
(incredulous)  
You couldn’t kill her because of your dick?

DEAN  
Dammit, Sammy, it’s not that simple!

DEAN slams his half-eaten cheeseburger onto the table and storms out of the room. 

 

**SCENE FIFTEEN**

DEAN heads up to his bedroom, where he sits on the side of his bed and buries his head in his hands. He looks up, and the audience is treated to a view of a Single Man-Tear streaking down his cheek.

DEAN  
I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing. 

CASTIEL suddenly appears, wearing a trench--oh, fuck it, what the hell do you think he’s wearing? 

CASTIEL  
Hello, Dean.

DEAN  
Dammit, Cas, you can’t keep showing up in my bedroom whenever you want! It’s fucking creepy!

CASTIEL  
Ah, my kink.

DEAN  
What, being creepy?

CASTIEL  
No, you lamenting my creepiness. Turns me on. And yes, it has to be you, specifically. 

DEAN  
Is this your way of telling me you want to be stabbed with an angel blade? 

CASTIEL  
Is that a euphemism? Wait, nevermind. I’m only here to reassure you that your attraction to Amara is not your fault. I mean, her tits are amazing. I’d hit that.

DEAN  
(gets up and walks over to where CASTIEL is standing)  
You think so?

CASTIEL  
(whispering)  
Yeah, I’d definitely hit that. 

DEAN  
Thanks, buddy.  
(claps an appreciative hand on CASTIEL’s shoulder)

DEAN smiles a tiny bit, wiping away his Single Man-Tear, and continues staring at CASTIEL. They gaze at each other soulfully for a while--until CASTIEL’s face suddenly scrunches up, then drops. CASTIEL, it seems, is now something called a MISHA.

MISHA  
That’s it. I’m done. I’m so fucking done. 

DEAN  
Shit, fam, what’s wrong?

MISHA  
I’m so tired of this stupid fucking show. Eight years, eight fucking years I’ve been here, and to what end? Getting my ass pigeonholed as a gay, cardboard-faced angel? Fucking hell. Eight. Years. When I first put on this ugly-ass, cotton ball-smelling trench coat, I thought, well, sometimes, when you’re an actor, you play roles that maybe don’t light the fire in your belly or make your muse sing with joy, but hey they pay the bills so you suffer through them and collect your check before riding off into the sunset towards bigger, better things. And I thought this was gonna be like that. I thought I’d pop in, make a few faces at the camera, and get shanked by the end of the week, dumped in the ever-expanding pile of dead characters this appallingly stupid show produces. But no. They kept writing me in, making me visit Dean’s dreams and Dean’s bedroom and Dean’s implied offscreen sexual fantasies, turning me into a fucking guardian angel, a fucking recurring joke. Why’s that? Oh, because everyone just loves Castiel. Expressionless, constipated Castiel. Heroic, Dean-obsessed Castiel. The fucking trench coat-wrapped shit burrito that is Castiel. Fuck me, right? So I stick around for another season, and another, and soon enough this fucking show is my life, and for some fucking reason I can’t go on Tumblr anymore without seeing my face Photoshopped onto gay porn. Yes, not only has this show taken over my life, but it has seized my ability to go on the internet without being emotionally scarred. Fucking. Hell. And the worst part is, I have to pretend to like it! I have to wake up in the morning and put on a happy face and say to myself, in the mirror, goddamn I love being forty years old and on the cusp of needing throat surgery because eight years ago I decided to play an angel on some C-grade fantasy TV show for a few episodes, goddamn I love having a fanbase full of hormonal teenage girls and creepy fanfiction writers, goddamn I love pretending to be ‘bros’ or some shit with my puerile co-stars—because what else am I gonna do? Accept that I’ve failed, that I’ve allowed this show, with its clunky dialogue and endless plot holes and bloated, contradictory mythology, to become the end of me? No, because as they say, denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, and I have a family to support. I can’t turn my back on a paycheck this big, especially not when I don’t know, once this ship finally sails, if I’ll ever be taken seriously as an actor again. So fuck you. I’m tired; I’m going home. 

MISHA out. 

DEAN  
Man, Cas is pissed. 

 

**SCENE SIXTEEN**

BOBBY approaches CHUCK, who is busy working on his latest book. CHUCK jumps in surprise. 

CHUCK  
Christ on a cracker, not you again! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something? What do you want?

BOBBY  
The fans are getting restless, my dear Chuck. I’mma need you to put a little more ‘sub’ in that ‘text’ in future episodes...if you know what I mean.  
(winks, elbows CHUCK)

CHUCK  
Come on, man! Blatant queerbaiting? On purpose? You gotta know that’s messed up. I mean, seriously.

BOBBY  
Plausible deniability, Chuck. 

Meanwhile, DEAN is conversing with a frustrated MISHA.

DEAN  
‘Misha’? What kind of parent names their kid ‘Misha’?

MISHA  
(is hurt, confused)


End file.
